Lost words tumble from my mouth making their way to my ears, and I repeat the question hoping to kindle magic bringing about epiphany of purpose where there is none. Stubborn intransigence molded from the sticky clay of change grips me tighter each time I utter another slowly stirred sigh.
“I’m tarnished,” covered in rusted flakes from tears that never really set me free anchored in mundane existence unable to exorcise myself chained to this tightly wrapped barbed wire encasing my mind, suffocating my heart.
I shift my thoughts away from self pity engaging my cold hands and furtively light a cigarette rehearing scenes of vertical scorn that friends soon will heap upon me as they recognize the stale smell I carry through the front door.
Friends inside festively milling around toasting occasion posting smiles sucking frosting waiting patiently for me to show unaware I’m staring through tiny rows of wavy garage door glass peeking into their world ashamedly hiding orange cigarette glow from their merry inside world.
December frost hitching a ride on winter’s wind sneaks through weathered cracks causing me to contract further into my own lonely warmth. Fingers encased in blue can’t strike a match to relight the stubby fag hanging off my lip.
Grudgingly thoughts become zen bubbles excuses become phantom, cheer replaces apprehension and for a moment self involvement melts with repeated touch from those inside.